The Bored Single Bloggers' Club
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
... and the saga continues ...
So I'd sent my parents [read: mother] and brother an email last week saying essentially "hey, this is a totally tentative date, nothing really discussed or set in stone or anything, but Kosh and I are looking at xth Sept for the knot-tying day, maybe you can make some preliminary arrangements and I'll confirm the date once I know for sure".
It just so happens that my mother has a presentation of some sort on (x - 2)th sept; and I figured it may be ngam-ngam (juuuussssssst barely making it) but she'd be able to get to this side of the world if she/they left on that day itself. Sure, a bit of a tight squeeze, but otherwise they could also arrive on the day itself. Yes yes yes jet-lag and all, but hey, I still wasn't sure about that day even being THE day yet anyway.
And what happens? Can you guess?
My mother cancels that presentation in order to arrive a few days earlier.
Both Kosh and I are like *wtf* is she trying to pull a guilt trip over the clash with *her* schedule??? She didn't need to do that... or at least call & discuss it first... after all, what part of TENTATIVE did she NOT understand???
And even better - it seems my parents are booked for a TEN DAY trip here. Ten frikkin days. Are they going to want to tumpang our 1-bedroom 1-bathroom apartment? With or without my brother? [at least he would only be able to drop by for a few days, due to work] Imagine 5 of us in one tiny place??!! But if they are in a hotel room for that long it would cost a bomb too! And what on earth to "entertain" them with during their stay? I can already anticipate them assuming that I can/will take them all around Chicagoland and that I will be a disappointment to them when I say I *don't* know the city and no I'm not all that keen to go visit museums and wtf do u want to do??!!! My blood pressure shoots up just thinking about it.
I'll just be glad when it is all over.
I have to keep the end in mind, or I'll go nuts.
*sigh*
Contributed by *lynne* ::
6:25 PM ::
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Friday, August 11, 2006
Breaking away without cutting ties
I grew up being told I was stupid.
Over the course of time, I knew that I *wasn't* stupid! but WHY would this parent keep saying that? It always seemed as if I was never good enough for her. And what a tragedy that was, for this parent loomed larger-than-life over me: I was constantly in her shadow, not having a thought of my own, constantly parroting her opinions, always trying to get her approval - and failing.
In the younger days, my father was my hero and favourite parent. Perhaps it was part of an Electra Complex, but I know I felt I was more important to him than my mother, perhaps even than golf! One day in my early teens that all changed though - he stood me up for a tennis date because his golf had run late. I felt so betrayed; worse, I could no longer have the illusion that I was better than my mother at something!
Imagine that with my father being cast to the ground, the mother-daughter dynamic changed. Perhaps I felt we now shared the "betrayal by golf" situation so I could relate to her better? Who knows. All I know is, during my teenage years, my father was just this resented presence who came back at 8pm in time for dinner, and spent most of the rest of his time on the golf course. ... And my mother was this overpowering presence that expected and demanded allegiance, obedience and full disclosure.
Oh the QUESTIONS! What was i doing, where i was going, with whom, did i have fun, how did i feel, etc etc etc. ... after a while I became less and less communicative, learning to stop the questions before they even started. Trust me, this is more than the regular teenage-resentment-towards-parents thing.
That scholarship offer to study in the U.S. at the end of high school was a blessing for me, tho I didn't really appreciate is full impact for a long time. My 5 years there - essentially on my own - enabled me to come into my own. Sure I made lots of mistakes but heck, how else to learn??!! And these were mistakes i would never even have had the opportunity to make in Malaysia, or maybe even in England since the Malay[sian] population in universities there is just way too high.
During these university years, I started off playing by her rules - writing home often, gushing on and on about what was going on, regular phone calls... but by the time my senior year came around, I think my stream of communication had slowed quite a bit. I was extremely uncomfortable at the whole feeling I had of her trying to live through me, and the more she asked for information, the more i clammed up. I still think I shared too much of myself, but if you were to ask her, she'd probably say I didn't share enough.
Anyways: upon graduating, I ended up working a very comfortable distance from KL (6 hours by car!), in an environment where once again, I gained experience that I never would have if the parents had had their way: they'd wanted me to get a job in KL & stay with them [and at that time I didn't understand why that thought filled me with unease...]!
Two years later, I got a transfer to KL, citing my father's ill-health but in reality because I wanted to move closer with a significant other based in KL. I didn't move back to the parent's place, but got a place of my own. It was so far away from where my parents were based, so we rarely saw each other. We'd meet up for breakfast at Raju's once in a while - a token getting together time more than anything else; after all, if they found out I'd been at Raju's without informing/inviting them, that would be quite the disappointment, eh? Sheesh!
Fast forward many years: More work, other relationships; moved back in, moved out again, moved in again; bought my own place but kinda let the place just sit there; got more and more depressed about work crap; mother gets diagnosed with [mild] cancer, all seems okay, no need to worry; a few years later it's back, new location, more serious, goes through chemo & radiation, loses hair, etc etc but she cant bring herself to open up to me or accept my attempt to hug her or offer any comfort - fine, you reject me during this time of need, screw you, I ain't bothering with ya; crisis between parents, I end up providing listening/sympathetic ear to mother, but it's soon obvious that she doesn't WANT to move beyond the rut of blame, that she's happier feeling miserable and wronged;
By the time 2004 rolls around, what I feel for my parents is indifference at best. Contempt. Especially the snivelling irrational mother. The mother who used to call me stupid all the time, but over time has proven to me that is anyone is supposed to be labelled that way, it's HER not me.
The last 5 months were spent in KL, with the parents: and boy oh boy were they interesting times... The mother trying to pry for information about my future plans when I myself don't know what they are and have already told her, yet she wants to know and pry - of course I react with anger and sarcasm [you reap what you sow! how did YOU treat me when growing up? What behaviour did I always see you use? How ELSE do you think I would react to you??]. She pushed at me for Kosh's financial information/stability, which to me is none of her business. All in all, her behaviour said that she didn't trust that I & Kosh were making the right decision.
Doesn't matter if she thinks she's being concerned about her daughter's well-being. The MESSAGE she is sending is that she doesn't trust me or Kosh. Niiiiiiiiiice.
So here I am, finally halfway across the world from her.
Rationally, I know I need to forgive her. Just. let. go. Otherwise she will always have this power over me. I know that.
But the past still holds much anger for me. Actually, it's the recent past that really pisses me off.
I've come to terms with a lot of what went on in my childhood. I acknowledge that my parents had their problems: how they dealt [or didn't deal] with these problems, & whether realised that they [HER especially!] were taking it out on the kids - not physically, but definitely on a psychological level - all that really is in the past. If nothing else, a lot of that screwed-up childhood nature & nurture went towards creating the complex person I am today.
But the recent past... maybe from 2000 onwards... my parents' dysfunction seems to grate at me more and more... I look at them and feel more and more of nothing; I see/hear them interacting [haha] and feel exasperation, HATE even. My mother seems to clutch at me, as if desperately seeking MY approval. Hahaha isn't THAT an amusing turn of events? She'll never get it - for her I feel contempt. She put herself into the situation she is in today. She had options to improve her lot in married life [as much as it could be improved at that point in time] but instead chose the path of self-gratification via partner-flagellation, the "you have wronged me so you are doomed to never ever be able to make it up to me ever, but if you don't try to make it up to me then you are nothing but scum", then has the audacity to complain about what an awful situation she is in and how my father doesn't communicate with her... and try to get my sympathy. Get real.
So you see, dear reader... in my mind I know I need to let go of all this, maybe just acknowledge her as a pathetic old woman who just happened to bring me into this world almost 34 years ago; I need to do something so that she doesn't hold such a huge negative presence within me, so that she is not such a huge drain on my energy.
And yet.
Just the thought of "forgiveness" fills me with rage towards her.
My heart doesn't seem willing to forgive.
[i tried to give a flavour without going too much into details of my life... sorry for any incoherence... just needed to vent a bit, on a slightly "safer" site than my own... but I appreciate your opinions if you wanna share, dear reader)
Contributed by *lynne* ::
9:30 AM ::
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